the other shoe
by Ross Walden aka walden65

I often consider whether or not I regret

the choices I have made

the prices paid…the consequences

I look at where I am today

a life riddled with abbreviations:

MS, MRIs, TID, PRNs, AA

each of these abbreviations calling out for something:

a pill, a meeting, an injection, a commitment of some sort

everyday, one day at a time everyday, several handfuls of pills everyday, a shot in the arm, the leg, the stomach, wherever

everyday, I sit and wonder:

when will the next shoe drop –
and what surprises will it bring?

and to what do I owe the pleasure of my

increasing inability to remember common things?

is it the MS and the handful of other neurological… “THINGS?”
THINGS that are bigger than me
that have riddled my MRIs with lesions

that look like nothing more than harmless constellations?

(and yet I know those lights have plans of their own for me)

if not the MS, was it the 22 years of drinking

or is it the medications I now take all day long
that have affected my memory to the point
that I cannot put names with faces
or distinguish between the events of yesterday
and those from days or weeks ago?

and yet most days are fine because
I’ve learned to value different things
most days I wouldn’t change a thing for what I’ve gained
but today? today it didn’t seem to matter…
today I had to be okay that because
of the choices I made yesterday,

another shoe fell…

and I had to think of how to say goodbye

to people that matter very much to me
today I took so much medicine
I could barely keep my eyes open

today I was so sad at one point that it stole my breath away

and in the midst of today’s storm

I second-guessed myself:

whether or not I regret

the choices I have made

the consequences
the prices paid

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