its over

[Motors Mommy]

A few months ago i wrote about my marraige of 18 + years crumbling. I have 3 babies (7, 5, 4) 2 with special needs. Two years ago my husband was going thru what I thought was a mid life crisis..(going to bars, talking about tattoos, fast cars, and expieriencing erectile dysfunction). He told me he wanted to seperate because he felt I didnt love him because our sex life was lacking. Since then we have done the counseling.....We mutually decided to stop, I thought things were on the mend. He once again started going to bars..and coming home later and later!
He spends no time with the kids and when he does he is so cranky!!!!

In April. I was in a head on collision (thank god the kids werent with me). I injured my head, neck, back, knees, jaw, etc. He broke down crying saying he thought he lost me. He stayed home from work, he took me to countless appts., etc. But 2 weeks later he started his crap again.

I found out thru the grapevine that he told his family that we were legally seperated and he was living in a mobile on our property. What???? I had found condoms in his wallet and other things in his car. I finally put my foot down and told him what an jerk he is being and that I wasnt stupid.

He told me that he goes out because he cant bear to share the same house/bed with me. If he spends anymore time with me he will hate me more than he does already. he says he will always love me because we had children together.

We live in the country on 2 acres. he wants to put a mobile home on the other acre for him to live in so he can look after the house and the boys. He says we will stay married for the boys Will we ever get back?

Today he told me that he hopes I eventually find someone who will make me happy because I deserve it. And he wants me to be ok with this whole thing.

Did I mention he still wants sex????

I spoke with a lawyer who said to try to hold on to the marraige as long as I can. I cant get insurance with a preexsisting disease, the state rarely gives alimony and since I was denied for SS there is no reason why i cant work.

How can I be ok with this? All I do is cry (at night, when the kids are asleep)


Between the stress, my ongoing injuries, my MS and now this. I am in constant PAIN!!!! I feel like a failure. I know I have to be strong for my kids!!!!! I have to be strong for me!!!!!

Thanks for listening!!!!

~L~

[adavis]

Ient hrough something similar. My divorce was final in December and am now happier than I was then. My kids are and. They will learn about marriage and relationships through us and I wanted more for my kids and for them to know it is not ok to let someone take advantage of you. As far as insurance I had it put in the divorce decree that he has to continue to keep us all covered on his insurance. Also, I went back to work and since the insurance was provided by my employer, even if I pay anything for it, it will not be denied. If there is lapse between plans the worst is they may deny some medications and visits for about 90 days then will be covered.

[gypsy]

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I wish I had other words of support for you. I cant imagine what you are going through right now and I hope you have support from family and friends.

[Krysalus]

<hugs>

I was reading your post and having de ja vu. When my ex walked out on me and my then young son (8yrs old then) I didn't want to let go of the marriage. We tried to work it out. I took that man back 5 times. Before he left, our marriage was heading downhill. No intimacy, no fun, and just anger circling and circling and spiraling down and down. Did I mention we both had MS? He cheated, lied and finally tried to blame me. ??? How was his cheating my fault? How was his staying out all night my fault?

The last straw was when he decided that we should have an 'open marriage' and stay married for the sake of our son. He wanted to play house with 'her' and play house with me. He wanted to sleep with me weekdays and her on weekends. FORGET THAT! Besides what he could possibly bring home disease-wise.... I was going to play second fiddle to NOONE. It was me or her. final. He left. We seperated legally. He kept telling me that he wouldn't blame me if I divorced him. HAH! He didn't have the nerve to ask for a divorce or file it himself. Idiot.

8 years later... we're divorced. I'm happier than I've ever been. It was rough at first but in some ways it made me stronger. Cliche but true.

So - I don't know law in TX but I had my ex keep me on his health ins. The kids have to be kept on his. I think that's universal in the U.S. You might only be on his for a few years till you can get your own. With health care reform, aren't they doing away with pre-existing conditions? I believe no court in the world denies child support. You should get that too.

Anyway... staying together for the kids isn't the best of situations. Maybe it will work for you or maybe it won't.
Instead of having 2 unhappy people you will have 2 miserable ones and the kids WILL be able to tell. Kids read a lot into body language and other things. My lawyer got me child support, kept on his ins and a payment off what he paid into his retirement benefits because I stopped working to raise our son. I got a job, my own ins and a great new bf who loves me for me. He wants me to be the best I can be, not a decoration or maid. He respects me, respects my opinions, shares his world with me and expects the same back. I'm happier than I've ever been.

Make a decision that you can live with. Letting go was the hardest decision I ever made. Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

[thisiscrazy183]

Sorry to hear you are going through this with your husband while you have all the other stuff going on at the same time, that just adds insult to injury and makes it all seem worse. Stick to your guns, don't settle for any of his crazy ideas you aren't comfortable with (mobile on the property, etc) and know that I have a co-worker here whose daughter is still covered under her EX husband's insurance because she was a stay at home mom whose son had leukemia. My husband pays his ex alimony for a total of 23 months or something according to their papers. So I just wanted to let you know, those things CAN happen for you! Hold your head up, have faith and do what you know is right and things will come out ok in the end. Best wishes to you and your children.

[cosake]

This is awful for you. So sorry to hear that you are having such a terrible time.

I believe that if you have some form of insurance right now, and you have had it for at least 18 months, another insurance company can't deny you for a pre-existing condition (unless it's a personal plan).

If you have children with special needs, could you try to get some type of govt. assistance for you to care for them ?

I think you are completely stuck between a rock and a hard place with a very difficult decision on your hands. Do you have any family or friends that you can talk to or that can help you out ?

You need to keep yourself healthy, and the stress from this and crying and not getting good sleep could be bad for your health and prevent you from taking proper care of your children.

Once again, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this and I hope that you have supportive friends and family to help you through this difficult time.

Best of luck to you.

[smokeycat]

My heart aches for you. I, too am in a similar situation and it is very hurtful and scary. This is my second marriage and we have no children together so that is a blessing. I have no reason to believe he has been unfaithful and he says he loves me but can't live with me. Knowing how that hurts me, I can only imagine the pain you must feel in your situation. I do hope you have family or friends that can help you with the children and also to give you support. I wish you the best.

[Des]

You are NOT a failure! Life is dumping on you big-time, and all you can do for yourself and your kids is get through it, and come out smiling on the other side.

Originally Posted by cosake

I believe that if you have some form of insurance right now, and you have had it for at least 18 months, another insurance company can't deny you for a pre-existing condition (unless it's a personal plan).

If you have children with special needs, could you try to get some type of govt. assistance for you to care for them ?
.

I think cosake is right about the insurance and the child care.

I also think you need to see another lawyer, one who knows what to do to get the SSD decision appealed, and who knows what you should get in a divorce. Alimony is rarely granted in every state, but guess what? You may well be the rare exception.

I hope you're not still having sex with him just because he wants it. Maybe he should have thought of that before screwing up his marriage, do you think?

[Polanya]

NEVER EVER stay together for the sake of the kids....ok sometimes maybe but as one whose parents "stayed married" for me I can tell you it sucked. My dad was pretty much the same as your husband and my mom was in a wheelchair. All that them staying together did for me was make me lose all possible respect for my dad and run me thru a gambit of ladies of questionable morals. Mom was miserable and we were both embarrassed by his behavior. Middle school in particular was ... trying. One of dads "ladies" was another girls mom and she liked to rub my face in the fact. (Of course that ended when I finally said, "really, my parents are still married you know, guess that makes your mom a w*****".)

[Seasha]

BIG TIME (((((HUGS)))) for you! I don't have any extra advice for you from what has already been said, but just to let you know you have my utmost sympathy!

Having gone thru an ugly divorce myself many years ago, I can also empathize. My ex is now in prison - that's how much of a jerk he was and evidently still is!! I hope you can get the help you so deserve...

Keep us in touch and hang in there!

[coral63]

I am so sorry that you are going thru so much pain in your life right now. Gosh you have received so many wonderful heartfelt replies already, I can only add that you already are a strong courageous woman. Facing the challenges, knowing your value, I so believe you will come through this standing tall and proud. Hugs to you!
with you
Karen

[Motors Mommy]

Thank you !!!!!!!