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In any case, by 50, I was deaf, and that same year, I was returned to the hearing world with a cochlear implant.
Music was a mainstay for me all my life until about age 43. I was singing wherever possible for the pure joy of it.
Music was my college major. I'm told I had a pleasant voice and was easy to listen to. I wrote about 20 songs about my faith in God and, at 43, I recorded them at Musicol Recording Studio for safekeeping. Then I gradually dropped out of public singing and became silenced to performing or enjoying music.
After my cochlear implant in 2002, my ability to understand speech improved from 8 percent to 95 percent in the implanted ear. But it is a perceived hearing, not genuine hearing through the actual ear. Sound is sent to my voice processor and into my brain through the cochlea. So my hearing memory plays a huge role in how well I hear.
Back to the music angle. A few years ago, I was part of cochlear implant research at Arizona State University. The final part of the research involved listening to music via a computer and identifying the songs. I failed miserably. When I learned the songs were simple tunes such as Mary Had a Little Lamb, my face fell.
This year, I had an opportunity to see my childhood and teen years' choir director at Church of Messiah United Methodist in Westerville. Years had passed since I had seen Helen Swank, and I was excited to ask her one question: "How can I get my voice back?"
She and her husband, Bill, said I was a perfect candidate for the new clinic at Ohio State University -- The Helen Swank Pedagogy Voice Clinic. Helen said she would make a call.
She let me know Sarah would be contacting me and that I would be a guinea pig for the master's and doctorate students at OSU. We set up the lessons in which one week, I was taught in front of a class, and the following week, I was taught in private lessons. I was excited thinking this was my answer to regaining my ability to know if I was on key.
I was told I had good tonal memory. After a few lessons, Sarah said she was going to give me a test. She would play a series of 12 separate notes on the piano and I was to sing what I heard.
Often, I wear an old hearing aid in my other ear, so we started the test with my implant and hearing aid on; then with just my hearing aid, and then just the implant.
The details escape me, but with both devices, I got a few correct. With just the implant, I got none correct. And with just the hearing aid, I was able to imitate about half the tones.
But my brain told me I got everything correct. I learned, again, there are limits.
When I asked Sarah straight out if she thought I would ever be able to sing in public again and know that I was on key, she gave me a sad look. I told her I wanted the truth. Even though I felt her answer would be "no," I was still shaken when she said the word.
Music left my life more than 10 years ago and my last grasp at regaining this joy in my life just took another leap away from me.
I had fallen at home and cracked a rib. I called off one lesson and Sarah the next. Then I asked my husband if he would think I was quitting if I stopped going to the lessons. He didn't think so because I was told not much could be done. My friend Sonja said I was to be commended for even trying.
So what do I think? I think God gave me this chance to see it was time to keep moving in another direction. Last night, I found a radio station playing nature sounds and instrumental music. I read my book and enjoyed the sounds.
My implant gave me back the joy of understanding speech and all the wonderful sounds in my life. It's a gift. I reached for more, but it's not within my grasp.
Reaching is good exercise, and so is bowing my head and thanking God for all the joys in my life.
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