Messed up my marriage.

[vetventure]

I have MS for 13 years I am a 61 year old Veterinarian. I still work full time although my ability to stand for greater than 5 minutes is becoming a challenge. My wife is 12 years younger than and extremely beautiful. She is separating from me tomorrow. Almost all the reasons she is leaving point the finger at me. I provided for her so she could be a homemaker and raise our children. I poured myself passionately into my work to provide for my family of five children. I focused too much on this and not enough time on love and cherishing her. I threw material things at her like expensive clothes and expensive cars. I love being with her seeing her everyday going to dinner and staying weekends in NYC. But she says the fundamentals of our love was lacking for her. My MS seems to have robbed me of my sexuality and that is probably the biggest reason why she is leaving.

It is so hard to see her go. I would have done anything to save this marriage but it appears the more I try the more angry she becomes. The thought of fighting this disease alone is making me more depressed than I thought possible. The prospect of looking for assisted leaving alone in the next few years frightens me. I realize it was so selfish of me to expect my wife to stay through the coming trying years if I did not nurture the marriage.

Anyone out there who is ruining a loving relationship by selfishness or self involvement with their disease. Your partner is there with you right now. Love them for staying hold them close. Don't push them away because you have allowed MS to control you as I have done. I cannot recover 23 years of Marriage no matter how much I wish. I just wanted to say loving partners are rare. Love them too. Do not realize too late like me that you had something special that would have made the end stages of MS so less scary.

[DorOMA]

So sorry that you are going through this. Thank you for such good advice.

[Seasha]

Really good advice for all relationships, whether living with MS or not. I am really sorry this is happening to you.. I sure your children will be there for you.

I wish you well and hope happier times are in your future going forward

[REG53]

I am so sorry. I agree with Seasha, your advice is good for everyone.

[Jules A]

I'm very sorry you are having difficulties. It is doubtful, imo, that you are the only reason your marriage is failing and I'd urge you to consider therapy to help process this stressful event and possibly see your role as well as your wife's role.
Take care, Jules

[Mamabug]

Vet --

Welcome to MSWorld. I see that this is your first post. How gracious of you, while you are going through difficulties with your marriage, that, instead of mostly complaining, you, instead, offer helpful relationship advice for the rest of us.

I would, as Jules did, also encourage you to pursue counselling to assist you in adjusting to your new reality and to give you an additional perspective. I worry that you might be placing too much blame on yourself. Marriage is a partnership; usually both partners contribute to its success or its failure.

[emc1]

Do not feel like MS is in any way your fault. I am kinda in the same boat. I have been a member of this site for years. I have not logged in a long time. I recently feel as though I am in need of much support and find that is the place for that.

I was DX in 2006, my last semester of Nursing School. After my DX and the unknown, my husband of 10 years decided it was a risk/burden he did not wish to deal with, he found a lady friend and walked out. We have 2 kids then 5 and 7 now 18 and 16. I am remarried (4) years now to a great guy in so many ways but I fear that I am in fact being mentally abused. I have also gained 2 step children 21 and 24.

With that being said, my husband is a straight forward kind of guy and often overlooks my MS. He owns a business that I am an officer in. He works hard and is successful He is often very hurtful just by lack of concern. To him idle means lazy. I look well but we all know that is not the case. I have been off work almost 2 years, still waiting for disability approval.

I also have a herniated disk that is pretty severe in my low back. I get injections about every 6 months, I have spacticity in my thighs and must wake up 2 hours before any activity so that I can move properly!!! I help with book work for the business.I have put on 30 pounds (which is heavy for me, I am 5'4 and at 155. He is very thin and "shames" my weight gain. He comments on everything I eat if it's not a meal time.

He thinks I should be at the office 40 hours a week (there is a reason I left my Nursing Job) I cannot do full time mental work anymore. I am forgetful at times, anxious, emotional and my vision is poor. I am to the point of leaving him. I know he loves me and I honestly think he cannot help being this way. I joined Planet Fitness but fooled myself into thinking that I could actually plan 4 day workout plan. I may go once a week or 3 times. He is upset that I am spending money and not going. I have to go 1st thing in am because I am so tired by 3pm.

I do not complain, I never play the poor me card. I hardly ever tell people I have MS. I do way more than I should just to be normal. I am so tired of this!!!!! I sit and cry at night when everyone is asleep. I feel like such a disappointment. I told him 8 years ago on our 2nd date I had MS. I told him to do his homework and decide, we married after 4 years dating, he saw me through my MS issues so he was not unaware. We are financially stable so it is not my loss of income.

** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **

[Carolinemf]

Hi EMC,
There is a lot of hurt in your post. I really hope sharing your worries has helped ease the feeling of aloneness.
Have you and your husband tried marriage counselling?
This can help us see both points of view.
I understand how his behaviour would upset you (i'd be upset too) but from some things you said , i also get the impression he may have worries too, and these may be influencing his behaviour.
You said you are financially stable but if one of his concerns is money he may baulk at paid counselling - but is it possible to organise a couple of charitable sessions? These are usually supplied free.
Our husbands often have concerns that haven't even occurred to us.
For my self- I went through a period of toughing it out and prided myself on not worrying my husband with my MS concerns- i later learned he felt like i was pushing him away and he was worried i may not love him any more.
I also felt resentful that he didn't seem to appreciate my efforts to 'soldier on'.
We have now established a more 'balanced' way of sharing.

This may not be applicable to your circumstances , but i hope you find things improved and my reply helpful.
Any time you need to share, feel free. I've done the sitting up crying alone and it isn't helpful to any circumstance.
All the best,
Caroline.

[REG53]

Hello emc,

My heart went out to you when I read your post. I know you are hurting. I agree with Carolinemf about a marriage counselor. One thing that I could relate too is him owning a business and he works hard. That sounds like my husband, he stays so busy he doesn't realize how bad I'm feeling. I tell him i'm not complaining just want him to know and he listens. I worked at home doing paper work when I couldn't work full time also. The way you described how you were feeling when you work, sounded just like me, except the vision loss. I finally gave it up and went on disability.

Are y'all able to talk about ms and how it affects you or does he shut you out?
You said you knew he loved you so maybe he would be open to counselling.

Just remember what you said at the first of your post. I do not feel like ms is in anyway your fault, because that is the truth, it is not your fault.

I hope you and your husband can work thru this and you start feeling better soon.

[emc1]

Thank you all for reading my post. You all have great points.

My husband refuses counseling, he is very sceptical even though our daughter is currently working on her Masters in Psychology.

I am sure that this wil pass. Mayb am just more emotional right now.





]Hi EMC,
There is a lot of hurt in your post. I really hope sharing your worries has helped ease the feeling of aloneness.
Have you and your husband tried marriage counselling?
This can help us see both points of view.
I understand how his behaviour would upset you (i'd be upset too) but from some things you said , i also get the impression he may have worries too, and these may be influencing his behaviour.
You said you are financially stable but if one of his concerns is money he may baulk at paid counselling - but is it possible to organise a couple of charitable sessions? These are usually supplied free.
Our husbands often have concerns that haven't even occurred to us.
For my self- I went through a period of toughing it out and prided myself on not worrying my husband with my MS concerns- i later learned he felt like i was pushing him away and he was worried i may not love him any more.
I also felt resentful that he didn't seem to appreciate my efforts to 'soldier on'.
We have now established a more 'balanced' way of sharing.

This may not be applicable to your circumstances , but i hope you find things improved and my reply helpful.
Any time you need to share, feel free. I've done the sitting up crying alone and it isn't helpful to any circumstance.
All the best,
Caroline.[/QUOTE]

[22cyclist]

Do try to get him to go to counseling, or at least go to some yourself. My husband and I tried it. He is a cardiac surgeon and tried to understand and take care of me for the last 3 of 14 years out of over 20. As soon as I got my disability he dumped and our kids were adults, he dumped me. He said my disease was too much drama and that he couldn't deal with me anymore so I had to get out as soon as we could find a house.

We did go to counseling, but it was too early and he decided 6 months later that he didn't want to deal with it anymore. I used to be sad about it, but looking back I notice that he was always a little selfish and I am better off alone. Our kids live out of state. I don't make a lot of money from disability because like you, I had more than a three year gap that I worked for my husband as an office worker and got paid very little so my check is 1,350 USD per month. We had a pre nump so not much money there either. At first I was devastated but now I feel empowered. Sure I struggle, but I am finally free and that feels good. I have counseling for myself and that has helped a ton! I had to move way out in the country where I could afford a house, I miss the city I used to live it, but I have learned to appreciate the peace and beauty of the farm that I grew up near.

Whatever you decide, do not let someone continue to mentally abuse you! You are worth SO much more than that! I wish you the best of luck and remember you have plenty of support here!

Take care
Lisa

[livinms]

Guess what vetventure,

I'm really understanding how you feel. I may be on the opposite end but the emotion is the same. He (my husband) works to provide the things for the household. He likes to profess to his friends that I'm spoiled. I just wonder if it's genuine or cheaper to keep her. I maintained a pretty good career and was able to provide my own girl things. He says I'm spoiled. REALLY? Unfortunately I'm no longer to maintain or perform my career or anything close. I worked and provided my own spoiles.
I am at a point of questioning if he is really doing for me or trying to look good in front of others? I am feeling degraded for what I contribute to this household. His quote "my money is no good". "I don't have to do anything". If I didn't do anything around this house, nothing would be done. But does he give me credit for what I do? He does not. He gives himself credit. He doesn't even mention the things a try to do. I have MS.

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear and it may be a total opposite of what you want as a response. Maybe she contributed in a different manner and you missed it.

I have MS for 13 years I am a 61 year old Veterinarian. I still work full time although my ability to stand for greater than 5 minutes is becoming a challenge. My wife is 12 years younger than and extremely beautiful. She is separating from me tomorrow. Almost all the reasons she is leaving point the finger at me. I provided for her so she could be a homemaker and raise our children. I poured myself passionately into my work to provide for my family of five children. I focused too much on this and not enough time on love and cherishing her. I threw material things at her like expensive clothes and expensive cars. I love being with her seeing her everyday going to dinner and staying weekends in NYC. But she says the fundamentals of our love was lacking for her. My MS seems to have robbed me of my sexuality and that is probably the biggest reason why she is leaving.

It is so hard to see her go. I would have done anything to save this marriage but it appears the more I try the more angry she becomes. The thought of fighting this disease alone is making me more depressed than I thought possible. The prospect of looking for assisted leaving alone in the next few years frightens me. I realize it was so selfish of me to expect my wife to stay through the coming trying years if I did not nurture the marriage.

Anyone out there who is ruining a loving relationship by selfishness or self involvement with their disease. Your partner is there with you right now. Love them for staying hold them close. Don't push them away because you have allowed MS to control you as I have done. I cannot recover 23 years of Marriage no matter how much I wish. I just wanted to say loving partners are rare. Love them too. Do not realize too late like me that you had something special that would have made the end stages of MS so less scary.

[conniesands]

So sorry you are going through this. I can relate feel for you. Unfortunately, I agree with the others. Don't blame yourself for all of this.